My Food Addiction [ Binge Eating Disorder ]

Hey you guys and welcome back to BananaBuilding, a blog where I share my personal journey to finding the best version of myself. But, exactly because I feel the need to share it, and once I will soon enough be giving away advice, I can’t hide anything from you. Otherwise, I’d just not be honest and if you know me, you’d know there’s nothing I hate more than lying.

On the previous post, I talked about Raw Till Four, and how it helped me overcome my struggles with anorexia and orthorexia. A few days later though, I came to realize, maybe I’m not as strong as I thought.

You see, I claim to be fully recovered from my eating disorder but there is still something that haunts me and holds me from mentally recovering. I thought I was fine, I really did and up until now. I have been eating properly, without guilt over every calorie I consume. I train the way I used to, and I’ve even started adding a bit more cardio to the end of every work out, hoping to burn away the fat I gained during my bulking period. And all that, without being dizzy at the end of my trainings and actually loving the results. 

However, it’s not as easy. I am completely done with starving myself and I can promise, that’s no lie. You have my word on that. Though, anorexia & bulimia nervosa are not the only eating disorders out there. And usually, after starving for a long period of time, comes something that I’m sure, if you have had a relationship with an eating disorder in the past, you’re aware of. Binge eating!

In case you’re not aware of it, binge eating is a form of eating addiction, where the one experiencing it just loses control over themselves. Just like with any other addiction, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes ect, the addict will keep consuming what they so fervently crave, without any second thoughts or limitations. The person going through this just can’t say no to food, no matter how uncomfortable they may be feeling. They keep eating, and eating, up to a point where they feel sick. Their aching stomach feels ready to detonate, and no they were not 'that hungry'... They were just restricted. 

Then comes restriction again, to make up for those extra calories. Only to lose control and binge. all over again. Somehow, like that, you find yourself in a constant cycle of restricting-binging-restricting and so on.

And after that, come feelings of guilt, self-hate, self-pity.

Feelings that only the victims of Binge Eating Disorder (BED for sure) will understand. For me, it feels as if I’ve committed a misconduct, against myself. I’ve never shared this in this blog in such detail, but binge eating brings me back the same sh*tty feelings I would get when I was self-harming. Disgrace, blame, culpability and revulsion.  I could never put down into words the emotional state that follows a binge eating episode, but I can reassure you, these episodes don’t happen every now and then. For people with the actual disorder, such episodes may happen several times a month, even several times a week.

But what causes B.E.D.?

Well, I’m not a doctor and neither am I a nutritionist. Sure, feel free to search more details on the disorder later, from valid sources, but from what I’ve read on many articles online, BED is caused by a few factors, with main one being chronic caloric restriction. It doesn’t all have to be a result of anorexia or bulimia, or another eating disorder in overall. BED could also be caused by lifestyle. Just like I mentioned above, it’s an eating addiction, where you can find yourself addicted to eating, the same way you could find yourself addicted to drinking. There are many factors that dominate the disorder. Though, most cases, mine included, are results of severe undereating, where your body reaches a point of such fear of death that drives you to consume every little calorie you find available. Healthy or not (and 90% of the time, it’s not healthy at all).

Emotional breakdowns could also trigger such episodes. Emotional eating is exactly that. A phase where the person feels so low they end up going through every last package of junk food in their kitchen.

I can’t explain more on that since I’m not specified. Besides, I’m here to share my story, not someone else’s research, right?

So, a few days after I uploaded my post on Raw Till Four I got some bad news. Unless you’re following me on Twitter ( @fitsporia / @rria_v ) or Instagram ( @rria_v ), then something you do not know is that my goal for now is to get a degree at personal training and so I started taking baby steps to achieve that. Step one was finding a school to go to. 

Done! 

Step two would be to find a job so I can pay the fees. I’ve been looking for one for longer than I can remember and when I finally got one as a waitress in a fast food restaurant, I fell on it head over heels, only to later on leave, because he would not pay me as agreed. He claimed I was not experienced enough and he needed someone who was able to attribute better (okay, I was a beginner and messed up ONE DISH, so what?). 

So bye bye job and even worse, bye bye training school. I felt so bad that day, because of the way he talked to me and because I short of lost my only source of income that it triggered something inside me (also may I add here, this was not the only reason that lead me to break down. I’ve been having some short of personal issues that made me upset and also, I have been dieting, as I said I’m trying to burn some extra fat).

I remember thinking ‘since you’ll never make it in your training career, you might as well stop trying all together. At the end of the day, getting the degree won’t make you fit. You’re meant to be fat’

Yes, I thought those words to myself while uncontrollably gobbling up to the pot of pasta my mom cooked for my family. (I don’t know if it matters but since I follow a vegan diet, my mom and I cook seperate foods every day, since my family is not vegan.)  That day, all by chance, my mom accompanied the pasta with a vegan mushroom sauce, high in oil (aka pure fat), which I later poured on top of a thick bread slice and ate, as if there was no tomorrow. Then followed a /vegan/ sandwich and thank God we run out of bread, because believe me I could have gone on for way longer.

During these last few bites, I somehow found myself having eaten all that but barely remembering it. My stomach ached so much, I could throw up any moment. My face and fingers were oily and sticky. Next to me, two empty pots that were previously full of food. 

And again, all I could feel was hunger. Hunger and of course, self-disgust.

It had not happened in the past few months but I was no stranger to it. I’ve been experiencing binges like these since 2015, if I can recall correctly. But I was pretty clean and had it under control. I know though, this would not last forever. Sobriety had just been broken.

A few days went by and this kept going. I’d try my best to restrict all day (as I said, to make up for the calories of the previous day) only to binge late at night. Next day, same thing. This lasted about a week. I only found my balance again last Saturday and I’ve been doing great until now.  

After talking about it with my trainer though, we came across some helpful tips that she claimed would help me stop overeating when I do not really need to. I’ll give them a try, find some of my own and make a list. After I’m sure they help me avoid even just a few of those binges, I’ll make sure to let you guys know about it.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think of not posting about it. I did. I didn’t want to share this. My intentions behind this blog is to, of course share my journey, but also help others and I can’t help anybody by lying and acting as if everything is perfect. In addition, I use this blog to document my story, so I am almost obligated to write these down, if I want to be true to myself and you. I still feel low sometimes and I still get triggered. I will see other girls being body goals and I’ll feel envy. Jealousy.

You have to learn how to overcome it though. These feelings are inside every one of us, not just for other people’s bodies, but many other things as well, including successful careers, families ect. You must learn how to use this jealousy as a motive to strive for something better for yourself, not bring other people down. There is always a way to achieve your goal, remember that.

That’s all I have to say for now.. Till next time, take care of your body, try to love yourself & remember that life is too short for this. Life is precious. YOU are precious!

Xoxo, Ria!